When I Became a Mother, I Disappeared

By Joanna Venditti – Nesting Story

When I became a mother, I lost myself. I had always dreamed of being a stay-at-home mom, just like my own mother. But motherhood was not what I pictured it would be.

I had quit my big city job to be home. It wasn’t at all what I thought it was going to be. I pictured going for walks with my other mommy friends with our strollers, going to play dates, spending endless hours reading books and making homemade baby food. 

I hated all of it. I was riddled with guilt because I wasn’t enjoying motherhood like I had hoped. Like I was supposed to.

My son was a miserable baby. In fact he didn’t really enjoy life until he was two-years-old. When we found out I was pregnant again (unplanned) I nearly lost it. Although our daughter was a much-needed ray of sunshine, I was already too far-gone. 

My husband would walk in the door from work and I would be pacing the hallway, so deep in depression, it literally felt like a dark cloud had settled over my head. 

I had no idea who I was anymore. I wasn’t the same person before having children, and I felt like my light was dimming and I was vanishing. 

That’s when I decided to find myself again. I let go of the picture I always had of what kind of mother I would be, and carved out a new path. 

This period of self-discovery has spanned the last three years of my life. I went back to work and then started my own company so I could work from home. During this time my husband and I decided that we were ready for another baby. Little did I know that it would lead to a year of infertility and two miscarriages, eventually finding out I was expecting twins. 

But my twin pregnancy again, brought me to that dark place. I was so isolated and in so much pain. I was disappearing again. 

I pushed though and now on the other side, feel like I am finally awake. I know how strong I am and that I can be a mom as well as my own person. I can be passionate about my work, yet still give my children what they need. I am a happy mother, because I work hard everyday to make sure I don’t disappear and I continue to carve out my own path. 

Today, I am constantly reaching out to other mothers, so they know they are not alone. You don’t have to feel guilty if motherhood is not what you pictured. 

It’s okay to be you, even if that version of you is a little different after becoming a mother. 

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